With the news cycle dominated by huge terrible news stories these days I think it is important remember the little terrible things in life. For your enjoyment I give you what I hope is the first of many short stories.
Daily, Weekly, Monthly, Yearly
Medium coffee, black. Please.
I don’t think we have you on file. We can add you if you like, then you get the coffee for free.
No, thank you. Just the one coffee.
For the price of a single coffee you could have a week’s worth of coffee.
We have short programs. Only 6 months.
I already have a coffee plan. I just thought I would try something new today.
Well let me take a look. Yes okay. You are currently on separate coffee and breakfast plans from different restaurants. For you they add up to a total of 3%. We could replace the both for 2.7%.
I just want the coffee.
But that 0.3% would go back into your disposable. Might be useful somewhere else. I mean you are doing pretty well with 12% free but who couldn’t use another few points?
I haven’t even tried your food, I don’t want to switch.
If you switch then you get both the coffee and your choice from 3 breakfast options. You will like our selection; it matches your current favourite meals exactly and we have a daily special which you don’t currently have access to.
I am still locked into my old plan.
No, you are unlocked as of 3 days ago.
Yes. So you can easily sign on here and save your income for something else. Even better, why not upgrade to the premium coffee. Only an extra 0.3%.
I just wanted the coffee.
And you’ll definitely get it. Actually, over 50% the people in your office already drink our premium coffee. Most enjoy it at an above average level compared to your old restaurant which is only average.
Fine. Just give me the damn coffee.
You know we also offer lunch and dinner plans at some of our affiliated restaurants. It looks like you are paying disposable income every evening for dinner? What a waste! You often eat at our affiliated locations.
I just like variety so I don’t sign a plan.
Understandable! However from your history it looks like you end up spending between 6% and 9% on one-off dinner purchases! So that 12% disposable you have is more like 3% to 6%. Then it isn’t looking so great. You want to keep those disposable funds for the fun stuff. Am I right?
Do I really spend that much on my dinners?
3 of the last 7 months were right near 9%. We can pretty much exactly match your current eating pattern but now it would only be 4%.
That is 4% for all the restaurants you see on the list I am sending over.
I said fine.
Great! So we have you on a 3% coffee and breakfast plan and a 4% dinner plan. Leaving you with 9% disposable.
Yeah I see nine remaining. Can I get the coffee now?
Sure thing. I will prepare it for you now. While I do, I can tell you that you should look at some of our other plans when you get home tonight. We have affiliates everywhere you could want: taxis, haircuts, laundry services, you name it! Once you move over 10% you are granted gold status which activates discounts across the board.
Just something to think about. Here is your coffee, premium blend. Just remember, we offer– hey careful! Don’t drink it so fast, it will be hot! Are you okay?
This is terrible.